Category Archives: Soccer

Benchwarmers II

When they ever decide to make a sequel to Benchwarmers, they should look no further than Michael Owen for inspiration.

What a player he was, back in the day! His pace and finishing won him the Ballon D’Or in 2001. However, his fetish for racehorses and trophies (apparently) led him to leave Liverpool docks and land in Real Madrid during the Galacticos era. One of the best talents from England went to Spain for a measly 8 million pounds. No wonder Liverpool fans hated him since.

Who would’ve thought that Michael Owen would be benched in a team that featured Ronaldo, Figo, Raul, Zidane et al? I bet he didn’t! That’s where the bench warming began, only to be interrupted by days and months spent sitting on the physio table. The poor guy left sunny Spain after Robinho and Julio Baptista (still alive) arrived in Madrid.

Next destination, Newcastle United. 16.8 million pounds transfer fee. 110,000 pounds per week wages. 88 appearances. 29 goals. 4 years. Safe to say, he wasn’t one of the favorites on Tyneside. So he thought, well, Liverpool fans seem to have forgotten me in the last few years; let me grab their attention by joining Manchester United, Liverpool arch-enemies.

Onwards to Old Trafford in 2009, Michael Owen decided to make the bench his own. Since then, he has made 37 appearances from the bench and started only 16 games (only 6 in the EPL). Fast forward to today, he made his presence felt in his first start of the season, by scoring TWO goals against the MIGHTY Aldershot!

In order of time spent in activity by Owen since leaving Liverpool 2004:

1) Argue with Piers Morgan on twitter

2) Chill on the physio table

3) Look interested while sitting on the bench

4) Play football

Stats:

1996 – 2004: 297 appearances, 158 goals

2004 – 2011: 175 appearances, 63 goals

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Rosicky – the Lord of Not Giving Fucks!

WTF is up with Rosicky? Standing in a motherfucking wall and turning around to see the ball isn’t that difficult. Tempted to say that “Not a single fuck was given that day”, but I think he gets paid for giving a fuck

 

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Premier League Review Oct 15-16, 2011

Liverpool 1-1 Manchester United

Fergie pissed his pants once again and called up Tony Pulis for tactical advice. Ended up starting 9 defensive players out of eleven. The first half was so boring that I almost went to sleep, while the second half was as entertaining and controversial as Bill O’Reilly. Liverpool opened the scoring when Adam was “brought down” by Rio Ferdinand, who was tempted to tackle a sprinting tortoise, running 10 feet away from him. On the ensuing freekick, Giggs moved his groin to a place where it shouldn’t be (yet again) and Gerrard scored by kicking the ball through the hole created by Giggs. Hernandez scored off a corner when Liverpool’s defense just decided to take a nap. Post-match, a bitter Frenchman claimed that Suarez made racist comments ten times, none of which were picked up by the million cameras in the stadium.

ManCiteh 4-1 Aston Villa

The Sheikh’s millions produce yet another brilliant display and result to take them to the top of table. The Drama Queen comes up with a spectacular bicycle kick to open the scoring. It’s just unfair that they have Dzeko, Silva and Nasri on the bench.

Norwich City 3-1 Swansea City

Swansea City pulling off another Blackpool. Pretty football with nothing to show for it. Good to see Norwich City winning a game. Although I’d put my money on both these teams to get relegated.

QPR 1-1 Blackburn

Rovers can’t beat QPR? Jesus! Proof that Indians shouldn’t be allowed to own a football club. (It ain’t racist, ‘cause I am one too)

Stoke City 2-0 Fulham

Pulis is proving once again that not playing football can win you games too.

Chelsea 3-1 Everton

The plastic flags beat the plastic bags comfortably. What a signing Mata is turning out to be! Sturridge is having a brilliant so far too.

Robin Van Persie/Arsenal 2-1 Sunderland

It’s a bad sign when Theo Walcott takes freekicks. RVP, the saving grace for Arsene. It will be funny if/when he decides not to sign the contract. And Steve Bruce, you suck. So much money spent and you still have 6 points out of 8 games. Shame on you!

Newcastle 2-2 Spurs

Ameobi produces a classic finish (enough to make one wet) to maintain Toons’ unbeaten streak. The self-destructive Mike Ashley hasn’t been able to influence any losses for his team and I can see him seething inside. Spurs must feel hard done, but I am quite happy because Harry Redknapp is a fucking douchebag.

Results no one really cares about:

Wigan 1-3 Bolton

WBA 2-0 Wolves

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Introduction to the quirkiness

We are a group of sports enthusiasts, who like to do nothing more than watch sports from our $200 sofa and drink beer. The three of us are as diverse as a Russian, a Jew and an Indian, with very strong opinions on everything. Also, we try to take things seriously but we fail at it. The following list comprises of athletes who we can’t take seriously on account of their names:

Danny Woodhead

Luke Woodcock

Hart Lee Dykes

Chad Ochocinco

Gaylord Perry

Dick Butkus

Dean Windass